Ani Defranco Therapy

My favorite songs from Ani have been getting me through the day today, mostly because the way I feel when I sing along. All the anxiety and spinning from within today must be from a need to move, to exert energy and keep it flowing. The poetry hits the right spot when it rings true.

"They could call me crazy if I fail
all the chance that I need
is one in a million they could call me brilliant
if I succeed."- Swan Dive

"we are all poly-lingual
but some of us pretend
there's virtue in relying
on not trying to understand
we're all citizens of the womb
before we subdivide
into sexes and shades
this side
that side" - Work your way out.

In recent days these anxieties and overwhelming energies feel like I'm caught in the center of a storm and I'm trying to find the calm eye at the center to stand firm in. It reminds me of a talk I was listening to by Terrence McKenna where he said that Shamans would re-direct a tornado away from the town by eating the hucha of the tornado. This was an act of empathy with the heavy energy that dwelt within the storm, it could also be described as the shadow or the subconscious.

A storm exists within and around me, perhaps I'm just feeling a chaotic state in my toroidal field, I've known for a time that I am in a transition.  It feels like the anxiety is tearing it's way out of me from the inside, breaking open the cacoon of protective numbness that kept me sane in the rough days that have now past. In a way I'm breaking free, evolving, re-distributing order through chaos. It's time to return to living on the edge, to making progress and change rather then stagnating.

All the same, I feel sick, I need my insides to become my outsides and vomit forth art and meaning. The path of divination from source through this body has been clogged for so long, it's going to get ruthlessly distorted and mad before it runs clear and I'm going to do things that are bad before I get near, to the metaphor, to the edge, to the place where things are interesting and revolving, never to settle, never to be done.

Exploring Polyamory

I have had very few official "relationships" where two parties have agreed to be together monogamously. More then half of these were in high school. I have chosen to refuse this label of "dating" or being in a "relationship" unless I felt something strong enough to give it a chance for someone who came to me claiming that is what they wanted. However every one of these claims throughout my post high school life has proven false. I would sacrifice every freedom at their whim and in return I would be given lies, deceit, betrayal, and violence even.

Admittedly I attempted marriage once upon a time. When I was still filled with false representations of what it meant to love, be loved and live a "happily ever after." It's really just a piece of paper that tells the government you have agreed to take financial responsibility for one another, that's it. It's symbolic of a pattern of behavior that has been trained to citizens of large governments for a long time.  That's why so many people cheat, because they made a promise they didn't really mean based on an ideal that doesn't really fit us. 

Each time after the last few failed attempts at monogamy I questioned the purpose of relationships, human nature, why would so many seek out a lie to live? Surely not every move was an attempt at manipulation. Why couldn't anyone respect me enough to be straightforward, especially when not being committed has always been my preferred state?  My considerations became a little more clear over the last couple of years where I have asked myself some tough questions about the core principles of my own existence and I realized that I needed to establish simple to communicate beliefs so that I could prepare myself  for the ordeal of helping someone else understand how I perceive things and what they can expect.

The truth must be told. It's been a long and rough journey trying to explain to so many how lying is worse then anything you could possibly lie to me about. So many would rather live in a fantasy then face the truth, but not me. I think it all needs to be put out in the open, I am free to make my own choices, do not try to decide things for me, including who I am and how I will react to things.  I will always be upset at being lied to, but rarely upset at you for making the choice you made even if it resulted in unfortunate consequences, it was your choice, why lie? 

Grown adults make their own decisions.  It's a simple concept, right?  That no one should be told they cannot pursue a dream or cannot see a friend, or cannot listen to their own music, or cannot do anything really. If I want something, I'm going to go for it, if I don't want something I'm going to avoid it.  This is where most people bring manipulation into a relationship. They get to know their significant others so well they will create a false reality to push them into acting or behaving in a certain way. Let people make their own decisions! Even if you know it's going to be a decision you won't like. It's not yours to make.

People can change their mind. If I decide to eat lunch somewhere else it doesn't deserve the inquisition. If I start or stop feeling like doing something I can change a previous decision. So can you. Not everyone wants to be monogamous all the time, not everyone wants to see more then one person, sometimes you may feel one way for awhile, and then change. There needs to be room for fluidity and adaptability. Some days I want to be alone, let me. I'll change my mind soon enough.

You are free to be responsible for yourself. The only person you have control over is you. People act very possessive in relationships. I have heard 'he's mine', 'she's mine, 'that's mine.' No one owns some one else, you cant make someone do or think what you want. You also cannot make your relationship exist in a vacuum. It is not you and them against the world, it should be a collective ambition that has the ability to evolve and transform or as some go eventually dissipate to no longer existing.

It's good to be part of a larger community. Everyone deserves the experience of others. How many times have you or someone you know complained about a significant other creating rifts between friends, business partners, family even. If you really care about someone you will be thrilled they made new friends at work, that they want to spend time with siblings. That they can discuss their favorite subjects with friends from yoga class over a cup of coffee.  Not treat them with contempt for daring to leave you free to pursue your own adventure, and that is how people should see their free time; the right time to pursue their own interests. 

What is wrong with enjoying time with someone without labels or expectations?  I proudly participate in platonic friendships just as I proudly participate in no strings attached sexual or romantic flings. As a bisexual I'm sometimes faced with the judgment that I must want to sleep with everyone, far from it. I enjoy platonic friendships and work associations with all sorts of people. Part of that may just be my accepting nature but I think I also recognize that not everything has to be a mating game, people can come together for work, pleasure, sport, celebration, any old reason and it doesn't have to involve sex, nor control, nor lies and manipulation. It doesn't have to be the way you see it on TV or the way that someone else says it should be.

Create your own way! I say Speak the truth, drop the b.s., define your own terms and identify your own sense of what's right for you. This has been at my core values for a long time. I have much respect for those who are blunt, forward and don't feed people full of what they think other people want to hear, which is nothing more then the same old tired archetypes.

When I came upon the concepts and principles of Polyamory I realized that many are in agreement with my own ideals. For example Compersion.

 "Compersion is the opposite of jealousy. In simple language Compersion is the love we feel when others feel love. It is the pleasure we feel when others feel pleasure. It is that vast landscape of pleasure and intimacy beyond jealousy. It is the emotional expression that what we want for our loved ones more than anything is their happiness and fulfillment. Compersion recognizes people for who they really are rather than for whom we might want them to be. Compersion recognizes that autonomy, not control, is the way of the lover."- THE 12 PILLARS OF POLYAMORY

Enneathought for today

I receive a daily inspirational based on being a type 5 in the Enneagram. Today it' struck a deeper cord.

"Holy Omniscience gives us perfect clarity. When we are present and abiding in our True Nature, our minds become clear, and we know the immense, brilliant intelligence of Essence."

Plugged In

I've been noticing a majority of the people around me are plugged in almost all the time. Being aware and present in the waking world has become a lonely place even when in public.  There really is no one to talk to, they are all having a conversation on facebook or some other time consuming meme sharing place. No one is even coming up for air.

I'm glad I'm no longer engaged in this way, I've devoted myself to pursuing more intellectual pursuits when engaged with the internet. Finding forums about topics that interest me, contributing to sites I lost touch with such as Deviant Art. Avoiding places where people go to chit chat, try to hook up, and complain about not having some perfect movie made life.

These days I'm talking to paper with my pen, listening to authors as my inner voice speaks their words.  It's an inspiring place, but it's made of ink, paper and my mind.  There aren't living things here except when I dream. That's when I interact with others.

In the end it's always their decision whether to take the red pill or the blue pill. 

Don't confuse me with those girls from the movies.

Rarely do I get exposed to commercials, but tonight on hulu I saw the same jewelry ad repeatedly. It kind of disgusted me, all these images trying to convince people that women want flowers, chocolates, jewelry. Anyone who gifts such things to me isn't really expressing any ounce of caring or interest in me, if they did they would gift something that is important to me specifically. A flower means you think I'm able to be bought, that I'll be impressed by the shallow conditioned gesture and do whatever you are hoping for. I've excepted chocolate and cheesy valentines from a confused boy not knowing how to make his obviously unhappy (now ex)girlfriend feel better, and while the attempt was sweet in a pitiful way, it was a failure. I think even the women who have let themselves be convinced that these are the things they want can feel the emptiness that remains. 

To quote Marz "Diamonds on your neck can't replace an empty chest."

The words flow with the booze.

I have seen many movies representing writers so distant and sullen, with a stiff drink in hand and an unkempt appearance. I'm not much of a writer, yet I have been feeling that way. Milling over stagnant thoughts looking for inspiration to make the next manifestation flow forth from the depths of some dark mysterious universal source like a radiant chthonic hologram that oozes rather then shines through the minds eye. All the while tuning out the ticking time, objects, staged actions that other people are so wrapped up in they believe its is a pure reality without question.

I have to question, everything, all the time. A myth or metaphor might bring you closer but at some point you have to feel and experience the truth. At first it's scary, perhaps bitter, sadness can pervade ones mood in the early stages of lifting the veil... Then it's a quick slide into madness, perhaps a feeling of frenzy. That's when the self medication comes in. Lubricating the channel from subconscious to the hands, perhaps bypassing the filters of conditioning of appropriateness, of the politically correct. By any means necessary.

As I sip my wine, not really taking into account why the fermented fruits of mother earth should have such an effect on our processing of her mysteries, I still do no think of myself as a writer. I do however realize that when the spirits are flowing, the words begin to develop shape around the intangible, the indescribable, that feeling that lurches and twitches inside. The gasp for air, and the drive that carries you through the worst pains and the roughest days. Our carelessly forgotten collective exhalation.

20 hours

My attempts to explain myself to the people and the world around me get distorted. Something I miss about creating art is that my materials and I would have a conversation, and what I had to show was the result. It was always fueled by research, something I'm having a habit of doing again.

In a TED talk I watched recently a researcher presented his calculation of how many hours of practice it takes to learn something. The result was 20 hours.  This inspired me to begin charting my progress in various areas I have been working on. One of these is sign language, another video editing. 

I will have some work to show for it very soon.