Thoughts of reflection.

When it all falls apart. Where do you go from here? The saying states... The only way to go is up. I've dug lower than this before, so I know the stakes. I was going for stability and found more negativity. Lost my ability to play music when I needed it the most, first thing in the morning. Somehow I let it fall by the wayside in general. Not enough variety in the car mixes, not the songs I need to hear. My ruminations have shown me all I could have done to keep myself together, but when the straw is piled high enough to start breaking you down it can be hard to remember the option of shaking it off. Without a support system the darkness sets in. So it's time to build my own system that doesn't rely on having anyone else to catch me, to remind me to take pause and find my peace before the cycle of physical pain and anxiety creates emotional strain. Word to the wise, follow your own advise. If I think I should slowly back off the drink, don't cut it cold turkey. If I think I shouldn't send this message, put the phone down. If you think you should do the thing for your health. Do at least some small step, find whatever you need to make it happen. I had to pack up and move out of the room I rented just to be able to play music and yoga instructions in the morning. Still so weak I manage only 5 minutes but starting small is nothing to feel bad about. Now I have to take a walk to smoke marijuana, but it's worth the effort because slacking on that medicine contributed to full on neurosis. Sure there were a lot of medical issues, social issues, but music and marijuana are always there for me, I can't neglect myself by forgetting to seek them out. This blog has shifted from art to focus on healing as it's a necessary step to get back to my art. Self care is so very important. Don't forget to take care of yourself. If you're going to put someone else before you make sure they care enough to remind you to do your thing.

Volunteering for Healing

I often read that trauma recovery is a process, I think I've even reiterated it before. We struggle, we fail, we struggle, we prevail, then maybe fail again, prevail again.  The weight of many stressors and strains can lead to being overwhelmed.  It seems to take less for the anxious and traumatized, but that's nothing to be ashamed of.  As long as you find the right support.  The true friends and family that are always there to answer a text, to give you everything from deep insight to generic advice that you know but maybe just needed to hear it. After a brief stint of heavy drinking with people from the past I found myself re-traumatized, I hyper-focused on finding a solid place to stay where before I had enjoyed the nomad life, but a new full time job required stability of full time residence. The environment I moved into was toxic and exacerbated my symptoms. For a brief moment I had regret, horror and turned my focus to finding a new haven, one on my own, the solitude I've so desperately craved for so long. Right now I'm healing from the mental and emotional collapse, it's the most strange and bizarre I've had yet because it comes with a case of mold toxicity and brain fog.  Reading and writing have been a task when they used to be enjoyable activities.  My self identity of quick witted and intelligent feels challenged, so I've decided to treat myself as gently as possible.  I have begun to daydream about the things that matter most to me. To imagine the life I want to lead.  I also have pondered how to get out and meet people again as my last attempt led me down a path of returning to old people, patterns and places.  Last fall my favorite hiking trails were cut off by a widespread fire through the Columbia Gorge. So I signed up to volunteer with all the organizations teamed up for restoration at a fundraising event last fall. Recently the notifications started rolling in. Next month I'll be cleaning up the beach near the Fort my Grandfather was stationed, very excited to return to that site. I'm registered for work crews that are waiting final plans on restoration in the Gorge.  I'm starting to feel the joy of fulfillment blossom in my heart. Like spring overcoming the frost of winter. It's amazing how putting in time and effort toward something that matters can make all the difference.