Sex

Taboo for some, commodity for others, freeing for some, a trap for others. No matter your relationship with sex there is always someone who sees it differently. Not long ago I experimented with having sex with an ex. At first it happened haphazardly without discussion. If I had time to gather my thoughts before being kissed and then asked if I wanted it, I may have said no thanks. For some of us when we are in the moment the urge to merge is overwhelming. The next time we saw each other we agreed there was no interest in romance or commitment from either of us.  Eventually he ended up with commitment on his mind. It was difficult to deal with his persistent projection of his own way of thinking onto me. When I tried to end the benefits and go back to friends I was accused of trying to get something out of the sex... Which I couldn't even wrap my head around.  What would anyone think sex would get them other than the sex itself or the risk of STIs and pregnancy? I was trying to give up the pleasure for a chance at friendship, but I guess that wasn't something we were going to have again. PTSD from sexual assault and rape isn't understood by men who don't respect boundaries. It just doesn't compute for them. Sort of how using sex as a manipulation doesn't compute for a compassionate caring person like me. I thought it was all about having fun and feeling good. He thought it was a means to some end. The empath and the narcissist can never comprehend each others way of life. The narcissist accuses the empath of narcissism, the empath feels the narcissists pain but doesn't understand their methods of communication or drive for domination. When the empath finally pulls away or tries to create a boundary the narcissist creates a drama and frames the empath for it. I saw this play out years ago. Yet I thought this time would be different. I thought the narcissist had begun to learn self awareness and compassion yet they only learned how to pretend to have those things. Their inner drama queen came out as soon as I asked to be given space to deal with my own personal issues. In their eyes it had to be all about them. They couldn't perceive that I was hurting over someone else. That the experiences I had when they weren't around were part of my struggle to get close to new people. A narcissist assumes everyone else is also playing their games.  I refuse to play. I refuse to let myself feel bad for wanting to cope with my issues and not let them make everything all about them. Sex is not about power, it is about empowerment.