I feel sick

When the construct of social expectations is recognizably false through all my senses... I feel like my insides are about to become my outsides.  Although I lack enjoyment in the causal conversations of weather and sharing useless tidbits about our days and jobs and what entertainment we take in...  sometimes it's the only kind of socializing to have with  some people.  There's a tricky process to move the conversation deeper that I have yet to master.  The art of conversation is a puzzle I have yet to crack.  My words so often taken not in the way I intended them.  Finding myself trying to correct misjudgment has proved such a wasted effort.  Rather I must work on understanding how and when those assumptions occur and subtle ways to show the true meaning of my words. 
Yet with the anxiety from trauma it's so easy to get caught up in repeating old "go to" conversations, repeating the words that didn't express myself properly before so why would I think to try them again?  The state I've been trying to achieve is to recognize when my heart rate goes up and my mind starts racing, and make it my instinct to shut up and breathe deeply until I return to a functional state.  Only then choose to speak or act, because if I speak or act during that state it's reaction to feelings associated with that panic state, so all things being said are being processed as an attack, a judgment, etc.   Reacting to it only serves to reinforce it rather than subdue or correct it.  I've found that the more physically active I am, the better control of my body and breath I have. Yet even knowing this I don't always step up and find something active to do. There's an error in my programming.  The trauma has generated broken code, and the machine of my body and mind is malfunctioning.  This can intensify in a feedback loop, brought on by the hyper-focus I experience.
I like to say that we seem to be a world of people trying to break the cycle of trauma, all of us have something that happened that snowballs throughout our life into some kind of minor to major psychosis.  Understanding ourselves is the first step, then make adjustments as needed. I've found that drastic change in my environment can help soothe me in times of transformation.  Strip away the old, all the way to the bone, and reinvent myself anew.  Again and again I've had to do this over the years.  Go down the wrong path, return, regroup, try again.... 

The person who treats you right deserved to be treated right.

Today my mother told me I am the one child she can always rely on. It seemed such a strange sentiment from the woman who treated me like an unwanted burden through my entire childhood and youth. I have a deep seated sense of only being able to rely on myself because of it. I struggle to let anyone in or be vulnerable for anyone. Often feeling like at any moment they will tell me to be someone else or be mistreated, to do things a certain way or be neglected. This is my pain, the tragic thread woven through my life to give me reverence for the contrasting joy.  Since I know how it feels to be neglected, ignored, abandoned; I refuse to do that to any friends or family. I have a strong sense of honor and dedication for those I care about. Even those who don't do the same for me.

One Love

When you experience the realization that we are all one existence, one unified field. Then the success of others becomes your success and you can celebrate the rockstar or model or whomever is living your dream.  You can also empathize with those who are downtrodden, the  unfortunate who's life just doesn't seem to go right and they bear a lot of work and weight on their shoulders. With this way of thinking, there's no cause for envy,  and there's a very real reason to help others and lift them up because they aren't actually others they are just iterations of you. Remembering this can improve your relations at work, home or wherever you go.

Mostly when I drink too much...

When life seem to be piling up and weighing on me, when I can't figure out why the world, people, situations, are unnerving me. When being triggered is easier than usual... I always realize that I haven't been practicing yoga, nor writing, nor doing any of my usual activities that center and ground me. Without regular stretching and checking in with my body I end up cramped, aching, and thus easily annoyed or frustrated. Without regular writing I don't have the opportunity to flush all the thoughts that stream through my head. When they linger they mutate and end up twisted into a monster that I don't recognize as my own thought any more. As an artist I often have an open channel to that which is not of this world, something beyond myself. All my thoughts, emotions, physical sensations are in over drive. I'm screaming full speed down a lost highway of daydreams, deamons and darkness. I usually treat this over stimulation with mosh pits, marijuana or booze. If I'm lucky I channel it into art and exercise. Exercise connects me to the physical vessel I inhabit which brings on a feeling of being alive and helps to clear the excessive thinking clogging up my mind. I prefer the raw feeling feeding directly into artistic endeavors. Wipe away the logic that might hinder or redirect the flow of divinity that my hands have a rare occasion to convey. Let go of reality and take the ride. I bought the ticket, let's see this through. I'm not sure how this exposure of my inner workings might help you, perhaps you feel it too. There comes a time, when rhyme is natural and true without trying, no denying we are due... for something beyond our eyes, beyond the lies, beyond our cries, beyond the skies.... 

One people, one cause, one planet, one love...

Raising the Jed eye

The plan for this plane is a planet, so let's play!

Embrace the pain

"Insight Meditation teacher and psychologist Tara Brach (link is external)suggests that when we are locked in anger, taking offense over something said or done, making judgments, or fuming over how we were treated, we add to our own reservoir of suffering. An event + our reaction = suffering. When we’re able to be present with our feelings, and inquire why we’re experiencing such a strong reaction and what our feelings tell us about ourselves, that’s a learning opportunity. An event + inquiry + presence = growth. Center your thoughts on growth."  -https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-last-best-cure/201405/15-ways-get-someone-out-your-head

This passage helped me to make sense of why I found peace within the chaos of mosh pits, why I processed pain, aggression, agony, despair and other depressing experiences through art and came out feeling like my tortured soul was meant to be burdened with feeling things so strongly.  Being present in my rage (or whatever I may have been feeling or going through) allowed me to burn it out, use it up, stew my sorrows and feast upon them. Use the emotions as fuel for the fire of my artistic drive.