Sex

Taboo for some, commodity for others, freeing for some, a trap for others. No matter your relationship with sex there is always someone who sees it differently. Not long ago I experimented with having sex with an ex. At first it happened haphazardly without discussion. If I had time to gather my thoughts before being kissed and then asked if I wanted it, I may have said no thanks. For some of us when we are in the moment the urge to merge is overwhelming. The next time we saw each other we agreed there was no interest in romance or commitment from either of us.  Eventually he ended up with commitment on his mind. It was difficult to deal with his persistent projection of his own way of thinking onto me. When I tried to end the benefits and go back to friends I was accused of trying to get something out of the sex... Which I couldn't even wrap my head around.  What would anyone think sex would get them other than the sex itself or the risk of STIs and pregnancy? I was trying to give up the pleasure for a chance at friendship, but I guess that wasn't something we were going to have again. PTSD from sexual assault and rape isn't understood by men who don't respect boundaries. It just doesn't compute for them. Sort of how using sex as a manipulation doesn't compute for a compassionate caring person like me. I thought it was all about having fun and feeling good. He thought it was a means to some end. The empath and the narcissist can never comprehend each others way of life. The narcissist accuses the empath of narcissism, the empath feels the narcissists pain but doesn't understand their methods of communication or drive for domination. When the empath finally pulls away or tries to create a boundary the narcissist creates a drama and frames the empath for it. I saw this play out years ago. Yet I thought this time would be different. I thought the narcissist had begun to learn self awareness and compassion yet they only learned how to pretend to have those things. Their inner drama queen came out as soon as I asked to be given space to deal with my own personal issues. In their eyes it had to be all about them. They couldn't perceive that I was hurting over someone else. That the experiences I had when they weren't around were part of my struggle to get close to new people. A narcissist assumes everyone else is also playing their games.  I refuse to play. I refuse to let myself feel bad for wanting to cope with my issues and not let them make everything all about them. Sex is not about power, it is about empowerment.

The Law of Love

"Spiritually the earthly contracts do not have more validity than the one you want to give to them. I mean, nobody is bound to love anybody, nor to keep loyalty for the obligation of a marriage contract, nor for any other cause. What is really wrong is to trick the other person making him/her believe that there are some feelings which in reality do not exist. What is fair is to be honest with what one feels and to act in consequence. In the previous example, since the woman recognizes not to love her husband, the right thing is that she reveals it to him and that, consequently with it, finishes the loveless relationship for being able to live the relationship of feelings with the loved person without the need to hide.  There are people who know they are not in love with that one who they signed the marriage contract with, or the commitment to be a couple, and maintain the link for convenience, for necessity, for feeling of guilt or for fear of the reaction of others. We have already talked enough about it. On the other side, there are people who know who they love too, but for fear or comfort, they don’t fight to join with the beloved being, instead of that they prefer to repress or nullify their feelings to not suffer, and they get used to comfortable earthly relationships however they are not fulfilled with them, because they lack the essential, the mutual and corresponded affinity love. They live a life of appearance facing to the outside, and of emptiness and repressed suffering facing to the inside. Be honest with your feelings and make your life to be a reflection of your feelings. That’s how you can avoid unnecessary sufferings. Have the courage to fight for your feelings, because that is the only thing worth fighting for." - The Law of Love

I feel like I've been trying to find the words to explain this exact concept for years.  I've questioned monogamy and it's validity/feasibility but what I was really questioning was the standards to which we operate our romantic relationships. The core tool to use here is truth.  First recognizing your own truth, deep within, then braving to share this truth with others. 

"One has to be aware that true love is free and cannot be forced, it arises spontaneously and it is on that basis of the free and mutual spontaneous feeling where the union will be produced, without the need to exist any obligation or an effort to maintain it."

When we meditate we focus on being.  Being here, now, in our bodies, existing without want or judgment or force.  The surrender of acceptance.  I have come far in my journey to find center within myself. Now I'm on a mission to open myself up to experiences with others.  To share myself  without being held to it as an obligation. This is a vulnerable place, but a mission well worth engaging in.  It takes self awareness, communication and risk.  Maintaining autonomy has been more about remembering to focus on my own goals, needs and achievements.  An exciting interaction that makes you happy, perhaps makes you swoon, could bring sweeping emotions and it can be easy to fall into all the old traps.  The entire process is about breaking the mold, discarding the old patterns and social expectations. I have to navigate my internal compass of honoring my truth. Not everyone is going to understand, but they don't have to.  One of my top affirmations lately has been to "honor the process".  All is process, every action is practice, success is merely mile markers on an infinite road.

Exploring Polyamory

I have had very few official "relationships" where two parties have agreed to be together monogamously. More then half of these were in high school. I have chosen to refuse this label of "dating" or being in a "relationship" unless I felt something strong enough to give it a chance for someone who came to me claiming that is what they wanted. However every one of these claims throughout my post high school life has proven false. I would sacrifice every freedom at their whim and in return I would be given lies, deceit, betrayal, and violence even.

Admittedly I attempted marriage once upon a time. When I was still filled with false representations of what it meant to love, be loved and live a "happily ever after." It's really just a piece of paper that tells the government you have agreed to take financial responsibility for one another, that's it. It's symbolic of a pattern of behavior that has been trained to citizens of large governments for a long time.  That's why so many people cheat, because they made a promise they didn't really mean based on an ideal that doesn't really fit us. 

Each time after the last few failed attempts at monogamy I questioned the purpose of relationships, human nature, why would so many seek out a lie to live? Surely not every move was an attempt at manipulation. Why couldn't anyone respect me enough to be straightforward, especially when not being committed has always been my preferred state?  My considerations became a little more clear over the last couple of years where I have asked myself some tough questions about the core principles of my own existence and I realized that I needed to establish simple to communicate beliefs so that I could prepare myself  for the ordeal of helping someone else understand how I perceive things and what they can expect.

The truth must be told. It's been a long and rough journey trying to explain to so many how lying is worse then anything you could possibly lie to me about. So many would rather live in a fantasy then face the truth, but not me. I think it all needs to be put out in the open, I am free to make my own choices, do not try to decide things for me, including who I am and how I will react to things.  I will always be upset at being lied to, but rarely upset at you for making the choice you made even if it resulted in unfortunate consequences, it was your choice, why lie? 

Grown adults make their own decisions.  It's a simple concept, right?  That no one should be told they cannot pursue a dream or cannot see a friend, or cannot listen to their own music, or cannot do anything really. If I want something, I'm going to go for it, if I don't want something I'm going to avoid it.  This is where most people bring manipulation into a relationship. They get to know their significant others so well they will create a false reality to push them into acting or behaving in a certain way. Let people make their own decisions! Even if you know it's going to be a decision you won't like. It's not yours to make.

People can change their mind. If I decide to eat lunch somewhere else it doesn't deserve the inquisition. If I start or stop feeling like doing something I can change a previous decision. So can you. Not everyone wants to be monogamous all the time, not everyone wants to see more then one person, sometimes you may feel one way for awhile, and then change. There needs to be room for fluidity and adaptability. Some days I want to be alone, let me. I'll change my mind soon enough.

You are free to be responsible for yourself. The only person you have control over is you. People act very possessive in relationships. I have heard 'he's mine', 'she's mine, 'that's mine.' No one owns some one else, you cant make someone do or think what you want. You also cannot make your relationship exist in a vacuum. It is not you and them against the world, it should be a collective ambition that has the ability to evolve and transform or as some go eventually dissipate to no longer existing.

It's good to be part of a larger community. Everyone deserves the experience of others. How many times have you or someone you know complained about a significant other creating rifts between friends, business partners, family even. If you really care about someone you will be thrilled they made new friends at work, that they want to spend time with siblings. That they can discuss their favorite subjects with friends from yoga class over a cup of coffee.  Not treat them with contempt for daring to leave you free to pursue your own adventure, and that is how people should see their free time; the right time to pursue their own interests. 

What is wrong with enjoying time with someone without labels or expectations?  I proudly participate in platonic friendships just as I proudly participate in no strings attached sexual or romantic flings. As a bisexual I'm sometimes faced with the judgment that I must want to sleep with everyone, far from it. I enjoy platonic friendships and work associations with all sorts of people. Part of that may just be my accepting nature but I think I also recognize that not everything has to be a mating game, people can come together for work, pleasure, sport, celebration, any old reason and it doesn't have to involve sex, nor control, nor lies and manipulation. It doesn't have to be the way you see it on TV or the way that someone else says it should be.

Create your own way! I say Speak the truth, drop the b.s., define your own terms and identify your own sense of what's right for you. This has been at my core values for a long time. I have much respect for those who are blunt, forward and don't feed people full of what they think other people want to hear, which is nothing more then the same old tired archetypes.

When I came upon the concepts and principles of Polyamory I realized that many are in agreement with my own ideals. For example Compersion.

 "Compersion is the opposite of jealousy. In simple language Compersion is the love we feel when others feel love. It is the pleasure we feel when others feel pleasure. It is that vast landscape of pleasure and intimacy beyond jealousy. It is the emotional expression that what we want for our loved ones more than anything is their happiness and fulfillment. Compersion recognizes people for who they really are rather than for whom we might want them to be. Compersion recognizes that autonomy, not control, is the way of the lover."- THE 12 PILLARS OF POLYAMORY