I feel sick

When the construct of social expectations is recognizably false through all my senses... I feel like my insides are about to become my outsides.  Although I lack enjoyment in the causal conversations of weather and sharing useless tidbits about our days and jobs and what entertainment we take in...  sometimes it's the only kind of socializing to have with  some people.  There's a tricky process to move the conversation deeper that I have yet to master.  The art of conversation is a puzzle I have yet to crack.  My words so often taken not in the way I intended them.  Finding myself trying to correct misjudgment has proved such a wasted effort.  Rather I must work on understanding how and when those assumptions occur and subtle ways to show the true meaning of my words. 
Yet with the anxiety from trauma it's so easy to get caught up in repeating old "go to" conversations, repeating the words that didn't express myself properly before so why would I think to try them again?  The state I've been trying to achieve is to recognize when my heart rate goes up and my mind starts racing, and make it my instinct to shut up and breathe deeply until I return to a functional state.  Only then choose to speak or act, because if I speak or act during that state it's reaction to feelings associated with that panic state, so all things being said are being processed as an attack, a judgment, etc.   Reacting to it only serves to reinforce it rather than subdue or correct it.  I've found that the more physically active I am, the better control of my body and breath I have. Yet even knowing this I don't always step up and find something active to do. There's an error in my programming.  The trauma has generated broken code, and the machine of my body and mind is malfunctioning.  This can intensify in a feedback loop, brought on by the hyper-focus I experience.
I like to say that we seem to be a world of people trying to break the cycle of trauma, all of us have something that happened that snowballs throughout our life into some kind of minor to major psychosis.  Understanding ourselves is the first step, then make adjustments as needed. I've found that drastic change in my environment can help soothe me in times of transformation.  Strip away the old, all the way to the bone, and reinvent myself anew.  Again and again I've had to do this over the years.  Go down the wrong path, return, regroup, try again....