An Excerpt...

...from my personal journal...

It's been a week since I wrote to myself.  Probably a little too long.  A meditation by water keeps me centered and strong. I gaze at the Columbia, wondering if my urges are wrong.  I keep rhyming like I'm writing a song.  The depth, the hole, the emptiness in my soul.. absence is presence, readiness for essence.  The void is there to fill, to be still is to be ready. 
Silencing the mind is difficult.  There is always a thought, even when I seek to observe what is before me I put words to it.  Not focusing on specifics, taking in the whole picture, that is the goal and breathing helps.  Paying attention to the flow of the breath. Yet before I dive in again I want to pose a question to the universe.  What question is most important right now?  How about... How can I bring my soul into my art?

Find your heart and your happiness.... 

Well... my heart is inside me, literally and figuratively. From what I've come to understand about happiness it also emanates from within.  It is born out of contentment and acceptance of things as they are.  Today's meditation has been all about accepting myself. Accepting where I am in life.  Accepting that events will unfold however they do.  There is no need for control.  The interplay of chaos and order is the essence of life.  I can actively engage, passively watch or fluctuate between the two.  Right now I think engaging will be good.   Engaging in art, engaging in thought.   Just have to remember to take enough breaks, pause and reflect when the time is right.  It's the dance of life yeah? Finding the rhythm of push and pull, of engaging and releasing.  I'm not interested in forcing, I'd like to flow.   Destruction over stagnation, but the real goal is re-creation.

Wavy

I've been on a mission to find my way

Working on myself day by day
Won't try to change what can't be changed
I just shuffle my deck and rearrange

The people who would be good for me
Want nothing to do with me
The people who are bad for me
Want to fucking devour me

I've been on a mission to find my tribe
Just can't seem to match my vibe
Won't force it or coerce it, not my style
I'll just keep moving and grooving for awhile

Sure sometimes there's something missing
I imagine someone I could be kissing
Yet most people aren't really listening
If they don't get me then they start dissing

I've been on a mission to find my way
Working on myself day by day
Won't try to change what can't be changed
I just shuffle my deck and rearrange

All possible possibilities lay ahead
Some full of joy, some full of dread
Yet closed hearts like mouths don't get fed
I'd rather embrace the beauty of chaos instead.

Love Eternal

Something in your eyes
Makes me explode from inside
The well has been tapped again
My love for you never ends
Yet me you look right past
Your heart is hers, so this won't last
I'm yet again the port in the storm
While your feelings for another form
Yet I'll be there in an instant
I just can't seem to resist it
This unrequited love has me ashamed
That my heart is yours to claim
I don't see you feeling the same
Still I can't just walk away
In the dark night of my soul
This fire keeps me whole
Though your gasoline will burn
It only fuels how much I yearn
Charcoal and ash mixed with tears
I'll paint you all my fears
Slice the flesh from the bone
Bleed my pain, purge the old
Allows new growth from below
Yet deep in the soil we know
Is the seed that could bestow
The bloom of love eternal

The Law of Love

"Spiritually the earthly contracts do not have more validity than the one you want to give to them. I mean, nobody is bound to love anybody, nor to keep loyalty for the obligation of a marriage contract, nor for any other cause. What is really wrong is to trick the other person making him/her believe that there are some feelings which in reality do not exist. What is fair is to be honest with what one feels and to act in consequence. In the previous example, since the woman recognizes not to love her husband, the right thing is that she reveals it to him and that, consequently with it, finishes the loveless relationship for being able to live the relationship of feelings with the loved person without the need to hide.  There are people who know they are not in love with that one who they signed the marriage contract with, or the commitment to be a couple, and maintain the link for convenience, for necessity, for feeling of guilt or for fear of the reaction of others. We have already talked enough about it. On the other side, there are people who know who they love too, but for fear or comfort, they don’t fight to join with the beloved being, instead of that they prefer to repress or nullify their feelings to not suffer, and they get used to comfortable earthly relationships however they are not fulfilled with them, because they lack the essential, the mutual and corresponded affinity love. They live a life of appearance facing to the outside, and of emptiness and repressed suffering facing to the inside. Be honest with your feelings and make your life to be a reflection of your feelings. That’s how you can avoid unnecessary sufferings. Have the courage to fight for your feelings, because that is the only thing worth fighting for." - The Law of Love

I feel like I've been trying to find the words to explain this exact concept for years.  I've questioned monogamy and it's validity/feasibility but what I was really questioning was the standards to which we operate our romantic relationships. The core tool to use here is truth.  First recognizing your own truth, deep within, then braving to share this truth with others. 

"One has to be aware that true love is free and cannot be forced, it arises spontaneously and it is on that basis of the free and mutual spontaneous feeling where the union will be produced, without the need to exist any obligation or an effort to maintain it."

When we meditate we focus on being.  Being here, now, in our bodies, existing without want or judgment or force.  The surrender of acceptance.  I have come far in my journey to find center within myself. Now I'm on a mission to open myself up to experiences with others.  To share myself  without being held to it as an obligation. This is a vulnerable place, but a mission well worth engaging in.  It takes self awareness, communication and risk.  Maintaining autonomy has been more about remembering to focus on my own goals, needs and achievements.  An exciting interaction that makes you happy, perhaps makes you swoon, could bring sweeping emotions and it can be easy to fall into all the old traps.  The entire process is about breaking the mold, discarding the old patterns and social expectations. I have to navigate my internal compass of honoring my truth. Not everyone is going to understand, but they don't have to.  One of my top affirmations lately has been to "honor the process".  All is process, every action is practice, success is merely mile markers on an infinite road.

What the !?

I feel hopeful for the future...
Or is this just delusion?
I think I'm getting stronger...
Or is this just confusion?
My foresight becoming clearer
As I learn to trust my intuition
My moves become much bolder
As I don't need any permission
Learning how to co-create...
Without their need for competition
Rejoicing in small victories...
As I reduce my inhibition
Where do I go from here?
Is there a chance to reach my vision?
I recognize I'm not in control...
Of the circumstance or condition.
Yet I know I am capable
Of making a decision.

Raising the Jed eye

The plan for this plane is a planet, so let's play!

Today's affirmation

Working on yourself is the most important work you can undertake.