Turning the negative thoughts into positive ones the best I can.

I gave up on trying to heal the failed friendship with the person who triggered me quite a bit. I got a membership at a new gym even though I haven't gone a lot. I have managed to take a walk every weekend even though I don't make it very far. I listen to talks on youtube to bootstrap meditative thought on things I used to focus on before the rumination and regret took hold. I just often feel on edge. PTSD comes with a tendency to feel hyper vigilant always on alert for attack. People will do things that freak me out and won't understand why I am asking them to not do it or give me space. I just look like a crazy person or they project their own assumptions onto why I am upset which are always some stupid drama bullshit I don't participate in. It's really hard to find anyone to understand. The silver lining I keep trying to tell myself is that in crisis you find out who your real friends are. The ones who will stay with you even if you are acting like a basket case.

Trying new things

Duck is delicious. Today I treated myself to something new. Actually two things. A ginger martini and duck curry. I've had martinis and I've had curry but these combinations and this location are new. When things get tough for me the chaos of change is the only reprieve. Dying hair used to be my therapy or adding a new piercing. My job is a lot of work with how I've been feeling. Like connections are just a thing on TV. Friends don't exist it's only random conversations. Temporary interactions. As much as I ruminate on my mistakes you'd think I should follow my own advise. Yet the tension in my body, the PTSD muscle memory, doesn't get to dictate what I do or think about. I can treat myself. I work hard for it. Don't be afraid to be nice to you. It's essential for healing.

Oh baby I'm back

After months of frustration, trying to let go of recent transgressions, misunderstandings, triggers and mishandling of myself I reached a coalescence of insanity.  Feeling like I was at my breaking point I found myself trying to talk to anyone and everyone again, each time I thought how silly it was to talk to anyone who didn't really care.  It's rough when few people do. Then I decided to finally just write to the people who judged me, misunderstood me, treated me poorly and triggered me. Not in any way that they'd actually get it, but I let it all out.  All the ways they made me feel, all the misrepresentations they made about me, all the frustrations that I had tried time and time again to release.  Usually sitting by the water allows me to flow with the energy of life and leave all that happened in the past in the past, yet the cold of winter and decline of my health made it difficult to visit any body of water.  A quick plane trip to a sunny beach for a couple days almost got me there.  I was able to return to my body with that trip, relieve the disassociation that had occurred. Yet something lingered, and festered upon my return. Tied to the fear of being treated this way all the time by everyone. My journal fell apart, and has yet to be replaced for a couple months now and although I found outlet here once or twice the lack of writing was keeping me in a loop. I finally broke it.  Finally. Let it all out, said all the things, now I feel relieved, and free.   I took myself out to dinner and ate something special.  It's going to be all self care and joy from within from now on.  The goals that have carried me through these rough times are still on track, and now that I'm feeling level I can get back to the learning and research that I love so much!