Thoughts of reflection.

When it all falls apart. Where do you go from here? The saying states... The only way to go is up. I've dug lower than this before, so I know the stakes. I was going for stability and found more negativity. Lost my ability to play music when I needed it the most, first thing in the morning. Somehow I let it fall by the wayside in general. Not enough variety in the car mixes, not the songs I need to hear. My ruminations have shown me all I could have done to keep myself together, but when the straw is piled high enough to start breaking you down it can be hard to remember the option of shaking it off. Without a support system the darkness sets in. So it's time to build my own system that doesn't rely on having anyone else to catch me, to remind me to take pause and find my peace before the cycle of physical pain and anxiety creates emotional strain. Word to the wise, follow your own advise. If I think I should slowly back off the drink, don't cut it cold turkey. If I think I shouldn't send this message, put the phone down. If you think you should do the thing for your health. Do at least some small step, find whatever you need to make it happen. I had to pack up and move out of the room I rented just to be able to play music and yoga instructions in the morning. Still so weak I manage only 5 minutes but starting small is nothing to feel bad about. Now I have to take a walk to smoke marijuana, but it's worth the effort because slacking on that medicine contributed to full on neurosis. Sure there were a lot of medical issues, social issues, but music and marijuana are always there for me, I can't neglect myself by forgetting to seek them out. This blog has shifted from art to focus on healing as it's a necessary step to get back to my art. Self care is so very important. Don't forget to take care of yourself. If you're going to put someone else before you make sure they care enough to remind you to do your thing.