Fin

So it has come to this. No more communication, no more socialization, no more attempts to know others or express myself. All contact and conversation will be formal for work or service. No more online presence, no more matrix bullshit. It really is me adrift in the world on an island of my own making. I used to cherish my alone time and enjoy the balance of socialization. Yet now there is no balance and I let it sour my alone time.

I have had enough. It's all alone time now. No one deserves my presence or my time or my energy. Goodbye Blogger... It was fun.

Purging thoughts in hindsight

What I wish I had said to you much sooner:

When I say I don't want to get emotionally involved. I mean it. When I tell you that I have sexual urges and desires for you but we are emotionally incompatible, I mean it. When I say I want to go back to just friends because you won't stop accusing me of wanting a relationship, I mean it. 

Not every woman equates sex with romance. Hanging out with someone is not dating. I don't care what time it is or if drinks are involved. If we have agreed there is no interest in emotional involvement or if it's never been brought up- don't fucking assume. 

Why is it that women are stereotyped as unable to handle NSA FWB but men are always the ones trying to start a relationship or project  the desire for one onto us? 

Also each woman is not the same as the last. Yea there are some things you may see a lot but if you treat me like someone else and don't let me be myself I am going to become a royal Cunt. If I say something I fucking mean it. If you are so worried that I don't actually mean it than you go handle you and stop projecting onto me

A thought.

Perception is an illusion. A construct built by those who came before and passed down. Ripping away the veil can feel like death, and the void echoes deep.

✌

I am not sure who I am any more. I became so agitated with everyone who wouldn't let me just be they had to keep pushing some projection. So I snapped. I broke down. I stopped functioning. I know my philosophies and beliefs but the manifestation of the creative active happy woman is no more. Just a stillness of the void surrounded by the chaos of the pain of life.

There is something beautiful in it. Something freeing in the release of giving a fuck.

Why didn't I do this sooner?

Many times over the last few months I wonder why I didn't do something sooner. Often thinking if I had done this at X point in the recent past I could have avoided Y situation that caused me stress. The mantra I have to then tell myself is that I am doing it now and I better stick to it. Don't half ass and don't back down because I am depressed. Push through to the accomplishment of getting it done. Things often take longer than we imagine. Especially if we are overcoming illness and pain(emotional or physical).  Despite frequent detrimental events I am still breathing. I may be broken and alone and hurting but I am alive and I will survive.

It's okay to not be okay.

I needed this today.
https://www.instagram.com/p/Bhpsjn8HVw9/

At a time when I have been carrying around shame; that I let myself put up with disrespect in order to allow myself to feel the comfort of physical touch. Guilt; of not putting energy into the right people and beneficial activities. Anger; that I let people project onto me and didn't put them in their place because I was afraid of the angry reaction it might elicit from them. The hurt that the anger came anyway because the misunderstandings multiplied when I was unable to be clear and firm.

Every day is a new day to heal, to grow, to create the life I want to live for myself.

Sex

Taboo for some, commodity for others, freeing for some, a trap for others. No matter your relationship with sex there is always someone who sees it differently. Not long ago I experimented with having sex with an ex. At first it happened haphazardly without discussion. If I had time to gather my thoughts before being kissed and then asked if I wanted it, I may have said no thanks. For some of us when we are in the moment the urge to merge is overwhelming. The next time we saw each other we agreed there was no interest in romance or commitment from either of us.  Eventually he ended up with commitment on his mind. It was difficult to deal with his persistent projection of his own way of thinking onto me. When I tried to end the benefits and go back to friends I was accused of trying to get something out of the sex... Which I couldn't even wrap my head around.  What would anyone think sex would get them other than the sex itself or the risk of STIs and pregnancy? I was trying to give up the pleasure for a chance at friendship, but I guess that wasn't something we were going to have again. PTSD from sexual assault and rape isn't understood by men who don't respect boundaries. It just doesn't compute for them. Sort of how using sex as a manipulation doesn't compute for a compassionate caring person like me. I thought it was all about having fun and feeling good. He thought it was a means to some end. The empath and the narcissist can never comprehend each others way of life. The narcissist accuses the empath of narcissism, the empath feels the narcissists pain but doesn't understand their methods of communication or drive for domination. When the empath finally pulls away or tries to create a boundary the narcissist creates a drama and frames the empath for it. I saw this play out years ago. Yet I thought this time would be different. I thought the narcissist had begun to learn self awareness and compassion yet they only learned how to pretend to have those things. Their inner drama queen came out as soon as I asked to be given space to deal with my own personal issues. In their eyes it had to be all about them. They couldn't perceive that I was hurting over someone else. That the experiences I had when they weren't around were part of my struggle to get close to new people. A narcissist assumes everyone else is also playing their games.  I refuse to play. I refuse to let myself feel bad for wanting to cope with my issues and not let them make everything all about them. Sex is not about power, it is about empowerment.